Time to Do the Work
We are all reckoning, on some level, with survival. It's a base fear that stokes visceral sensations in the body and mind. COVID-19 forced all of us into this state. Our nervous systems are aroused and unable to stabilize because the fear is constant. It presents as startling easily, short-tempered outbursts, jaw clenching, shoulder tension, neck pain, headaches, exhaustion, paranoia, distractibility, lack of focus, self-medicating with food or substances, emotional volatility, need I go on? You name a shitty feeling you’re experiencing, and you can likely link it to your survival during this pandemic, whether it’s related to your fear of getting sick, keeping a job, maintaining relationships, living as a parent, feeling isolated, or meeting your basic needs, among many other factors.
Imagine what your life would feel like if you lived with constant fear from day one. Really, imagine that for a minute. You are born premature, your mother has high blood pressure, she took care of herself and you as best she could with the resources she had. With two jobs that required physical labor and two hours of commuting for $12/hour and zero health insurance benefits, she had no safety net. She gave birth at the county hospital and was cared for by medical students. Continuity of care didn’t exist because she didn’t have a permanent address for the home nurse to call on for visits. Child care is patched together by family and friends when available. Job insecurity is high because of this. This is a snapshot from the first year of one person’s life. Imagine surviving this life. Now imagine surviving this life during this pandemic, and ask yourself why people are protesting and sometimes rioting in the streets.
Chronic stress taxes your body in countless ways. Your autonomic nervous system is in constant alert, keeping you awake yet exhausted. Ready to fight, flee or disassociate from your bodily experience, and the only way to live through this experience is to survive it. We have all encountered this in our lifetimes, as no one lives a life free of trauma. But the extent to which a Black person experiences this lifelong, daily, is hard for me to process. The pandemic has given me and many others the time and space to let this finally sink into our consciousness. I have found myself upset and disgusted by white supremacy throughout my life, but I never knew how to confront it. I didn’t feel qualified. Someone could shut me down with an argument about growing up poor, immigrant oppression, or state’s rights. I didn’t think I knew enough to rebut. Now I know that I was afraid. My autonomic nervous system was activated. I was in freeze, knowing in my deepest self that what I have seen and felt and heard throughout my life was WRONG, but not having any context for understanding why it was the way it was because of the systemic racism embedded in our culture. The energy of my experience was one of silence and fear and shame. It was unspeakable. I am so sorry for my ignorance first, and my lack of courage next.
This year, I have finally tapped into the “big T” Truth of the human experience, and I can see things for what they are. COVID-19 has exposed the many failures of our culture and our world. I can’t ignore it. I also can’t be quiet when I hear others saying disparaging, untruthful things meant to insulate them from shame or responsibility. I have compassion for them, as I have compassion for myself, but I can’t be silent any longer. I have a long, long way to go, and I now understand that my own guilt and shame over my neglect of fighting for social justice serves no one. It’s totally self-indulgent. I am on the lifelong path of learning, advocating, and practicing humility and empathy, with the intention to see humanity in every person I encounter. Like I said, I have a long way to go, and I’m so grateful to be on this journey. I have no patience for arguing about the existence of racism or convincing others of this reality. I don’t have time or energy for that. There is too much work to do, my energy moves toward change.
Recommended Reading:
I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown
The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson
