Making Friends with Yourself
Every morning I meditate. It’s often a struggle to get through it, but I always feel better at the end. No matter how I slept and whatever is ahead of me that day, I feel more equipped after I sit. I learned a lot about meditation from the teachings of Pema Chödrön, and I wanted to share some reminders I received during a recent online retreat with her via the Omega Institute.
Before I knew of Pema and her friendly, encouraging teaching style, I was fixated on the way I meditated and the lack of result I was getting from the practice. I would feel angry with myself for feeling distracted and restless. I grew cynical about people who relied on a daily meditation practice of THIRTY MINUTES or MORE to keep them grounded. How was this even possible?? I found that meditation was one more way to measure my personal failures. I couldn’t even sit in silence for ten minutes.
Pema’s kind teachings helped me understand the purpose of meditation. Just like physical exercise helps our overall health, the active awareness of meditation does too. Sitting each day is a practice of building awareness of our thoughts and feelings and making friends with ourselves. When a thought arises, I have the opportunity to step outside of it and witness myself thinking this thought rather than being “hooked” into a story based on the thought. Please note, I don’t often seize the opportunity because I’m already hooked in a story without even realizing it! Eventually I do, and building this awareness is weight training for the spirit. Some days, I’m right there with myself, able to take in everything around me. Other days, I drift away countless times. Instead of judging my progress, I try to watch my mood, engagement, focus, and body sensations. I try to understand that my behavior masks FEELINGS. Yes, my mind is doing mental gymnastics to avoid my feelings! When I notice this, I feel so much compassion for myself and how hard my mind is working.
The work of meditation is to grow in comfort as the energy of your feelings moves through you. Our minds are consumed with control and certainty, and our spirit knows that nothing in life is certain. This internal struggle provokes uncomfortable emotions. If we can develop an ability to rest with our feelings and our discomfort, to expect them and allow them, we can actually settle the nervous system. A compassionate abiding meditation could look like this: breathe in anxiety, breathe out relief. Feel fear, find the space in the body where it lives, and direct the energy of breath into that space. Then breathe love, compassion, and nurturing to that same space. Repeat. Watch for other feelings and try it again. Even if you do it for a minute, you are abiding what actually is, you are allowing your feelings! The magic is that you are aware enough to even try it in the first place! That is weight lifting for the soul!
Trauma is a real obstacle to meditation. Engaging in stillness and allowing feelings can be a terrifying prospect. Meditation teachers tend to advise that eyes do not need to be closed, that periods of meditation can be short, and that your intuition should be your guide. That last part is the hardest. Trauma disconnects you from your body, and it complicates the relationship between you and your self-trust. Your inner knowing might feel like it’s faulty. Your nervous system might feel so out of tune that you aren’t even aware that you’re disconnected from yourself. This was my experience. I started practicing awareness through yoga, journaling, energy healing, and psychotherapy to find the connection again. It took many failed attempts before I landed in a meditation practice that works for me. It’s a multi-layered process that is different for everyone, and I want to be clear that meditation may not be the right path for you YET. Doing any activity with intention and mindfulness, like walking, eating, or yoga, are ways to build friendly awareness with yourself. Social engagement with supportive people and pets, bird watching, and sitting in nature are other ways. It might feel overwhelming and like way too much work, and it IS a lot of work. But this work helps me live life versus life living me. I spent years in a passive state, and I don’t miss it. Engaging in life is sometimes annoying, and sometimes I take a day off and binge on sugar and Netflix. But the awareness I’m cultivating gives me power to decide how I’m going to live. If I’m conscious of my choices, I make good choices, and my life works better! I hope that you can find a healing path that allows you to build awareness and personal power. Below are some resources I find helpful:
How to Meditate by Pema Chödrön
Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodrön
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson