Mothering

I live with two teenagers and a nine year old.  All of this together time at home allows me to observe them in their natural habitat.  They are absorbed in gaming, media, and chats with their friends.  They speak a different language built around memes and GIFs.  I notice their tones of voice change in different interactions.  I witness acts of self-protection and of boasting.  I watch the social pecking order lived virtually, and it kind of breaks my heart.

I feel sad watching my kids hide their true selves behind masks of fitting in.  I see them betray themselves when they laugh along while someone mocks them, and I can see that they’re hurt.  I know, they’re building resilience, but I also see them shrinking.  I struggle with this.  It has taken me many years to realize that I lost myself somewhere along the way, then many more years to find myself again.  I wish I could prevent this from happening with my sons.  They are magical, so unique and so loved, yet they are filled with self-doubt and questions of worthiness.  They are building armor to protect themselves from the pain of life, and the armor is hiding their true selves.  I know this is how life works, but I wonder why it works this way?  If I had figured out my own stuff sooner, could I have prevented this? How much of it did I cause? And just like that, now it’s about me!

Which brings me to my point…the only thing I can really focus on is myself and how I engage in my life and relationships.  Control is what I long for, so I can protect all of us from pain and suffering.  But to live is to suffer, and the lessons are in the struggle.  My kids roll their eyes when I say stuff like this, and I don’t blame them.  

When I focus on feeling embodied, grounded, present in life and conscious of choice, I am an available mother.  I witness their struggles, pick up on subtle cues, and support them with my presence.  When I’m gripped by stress, I interfere with their struggles, project my past experiences onto them, and make things worse.

I can’t protect my kids from so many things, and this scares me.  It’s why I need to keep working on myself. I want to be a conscious mother who can witness their struggles and offer comfort.  They have their own paths to walk.   My feelings from my path don’t support their growth.  When I struggle with their pain, I try to go inside myself, to nurture the wounded child who feels just as intensely.  It’s so important for me to mother myself first.  I make myself whole, then I’m wholly available to them.  It’s my latest strategy, so we’ll see how it works.